5 Ways to Protect Your Relationship During Infertility
Dealing with infertility creates a number of challenges for the couple. Each person is likely to go through a complex personal process of grappling with the diagnosis and figuring out how to make sense of it. As a couple, you may also be under increased stress because of infertility treatments.
Infertility can undermine your relationship—but it doesn’t need to. Staying attuned to the needs of your partner during this challenging life experience will go a long way in keeping your relationship strong. Here are several steps you can take to protect your relationship, and maybe even to transform infertility into something that strengthens the bond between you and your partner.
Talk.
Talk about your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs related to infertility with your partner. Even if you and your partner are very close, be careful not to assume that they can read your mind, or that they are having the same experience as you. Remember that without communicating with them, your partner may not have any idea about what thoughts are going through your head.
Talking is not only a way to communicate your experience to others—it’s a way of understanding it better for yourself. Try to put your thoughts and feelings into words. When this is difficult, writing in a journal can be a helpful way to start organizing your thoughts before vocalizing them to your partner. Articulating your experience is the first step in getting the support you need from your partner and other support people.
Listen.
The focus in infertility often falls on the woman undergoing treatments, but it’s important to remember and acknowledge the emotional and psychological needs of both partners. To do this, you need to listen to your partner. How is the fertility process affecting them? What are their concerns and fears, hopes and dreams?
Sometimes couples assume that they are automatically on the same page—and you may find that to be the case. However, it is also possible that you have different ideas about where things stand. One of the most effective ways to steer your relationship away from potential tension or conflict is to address the concerns of your partner, and the first step is to learn what those concerns are through mindful listening. Hear what your partner has to say attentively and with compassion. An open conversation about each of your unique experiences can alleviate tension, and may even help to deepen the connection between you.
Anticipate and prepare for challenges.
As with all things in life, infertility often presents unexpected challenges. But there are many challenges that you can anticipate. One helpful way to identify potential challenges before they arise is by taking the time to learn about the hurdles faced by couples who have gone through the process before you, and how they dealt with them. Have a conversation with your partner about any topic that you think may become an issue, so that you can make a plan for how to deal with it.
Some common topics that couples can address in advance include: who will be available to provide support during doctor visits? Which treatments will you consider, and how do you feel about alternative options? Make a habit of talking, listening, and validating each other. It can be wise to have a few sessions with a couple’s therapist who has experience with infertility issues early in the process so that you can get a head start in learning to deal with issues that may arise. If you make some decisions in advance and equip yourself with problem-solving skills, you and your partner can feel more prepared to face any new challenges.
Keep in mind that things may not go exactly as you and your partner have planned—that’s also expected! But openly discussing the “game plan” with your partner along the way will help you both to feel more secure and supported during the process.
Make decisions together.
The fact that there are two individuals involved when a couple is facing infertility can both help and hinder the process of making decisions. In some ways the fertility process can be easier for single people, as they get to make all the difficult decisions themselves without the need for negotiation or compromise. When two people are involved, on the other hand, the needs and concerns of both partners matter. It’s important to make sure that both partners feel included in the making of important decisions, many of which can have significant emotional, practical, and financial consequences for a family.
Remember that you and your partner share the goal of having a baby, and you are on the same team striving towards that goal. Making decisions as a team can help to ensure that both partners feel involved and supported—and it may even make the difficult decisions a little easier.
Look at the big picture.
You and your partner may have differences in opinion about various issues that arise during fertility treatment, but keep in mind that the smaller technical matters that you encounter along the way are relatively minor compared to the life-changing goal at hand: to have a baby. If you find that you and your partner are stuck in conflicts about the specifics of treatment, it may be helpful to remind yourselves that you are on the same team, and you have the same goal. Remember that the reason you are going through this challenging process is because you want to build a family with the person you love.
There may be times when conflicts begin to undermine the stability of your relationship—when this happens, a therapist who is familiar with helping couples through the fertility process can help you to get back on the same page.
Infertility is never easy, but you can use this challenging experience to learn how to deal with conflict and difficulties in a healthy and effective way as a couple. And because of the experience of infertility and all the learning and communicating that goes with it, you will be better prepared for the challenges that having a young child pose for a relationship.