3 Tips to Better Manage Life After Baby
When it comes to child-caring for a newborn, life can get really tough, really quickly, particularly for a postpartum (PP) Mom. Why? For one, because it’s not an even playing field between partners and it never will be. Biologically only the postpartum PP Mom can breastfeed and if she chooses to breastfeed, this places a lot more physical, energetic and time demands on her versus her partner. Also, unfortunately things are culturally and systematically setup to place more child-rearing duties on the PP Mom, such as the greater prevalence and length of maternity leave vs. partner or paternity leave.
Suddenly, the PP Mom is doing most, if not all, of the work for the baby during the work day, and the partner comes home to a messy house, with loads of undone laundry, an empty fridge and an exhausted PP Mom ready for a break. This can lead to feelings of overwhelm for both parents. Anxiety, frustration, upset can easily creep in.
How can you and your partner create some greater balance and more joy for this beautiful, but stressful time in your life?
Delegate to your partner.
Establish something (or multiple things) that your partner will own when it comes to the baby and let them own it. Even if that means it’s not done quite “right” or up to your standards, let them do it anyway and then let it go. There are plenty of battles to pick, perhaps this doesn’t need to be one of them. One client designated the job of “packing the baby for trips” to her husband. Yes, it meant that her daughter’s clothes were never the cutest outfits she imagined and perhaps her bows were missing or a toothbrush got lost in the mix. But, it was OK. There’s not much you can’t find at an airport or in town (or if you’re really desperate, Amazon). Even more importantly, your partner may feel some ownership and responsibility, helping them build confidence as a parent and as a reliable and dependable partner to you when you need it most. Possible side effect: a better connection between the two of you!
Outsource extra tasks.
Whether you are a working or a stay at home parent, having a child is a full time job in itself. There is no shame in seeking outside help. There are many things you simply don’t have the time or energy for anymore. Or these are things getting in the way of you spending your time more wisely, effectively or joyfully. Since baby’s arrival, it may feel like there’s less of everything for everyone. So, it’s important to be really discerning about how, where, what and with whom you spend your time and energy. If hiring a daily, weekly or monthly housekeeper will make a huge difference to your life and you can afford it, do it! Or if having your dinners delivered or sending out your laundry means you and your partner get some alone time, or you get to hit the gym, get your nails done, meet up with friends, go dancing… whatever, then DO IT! It’s worth sitting down with your partner and deciding what can be outsourced and would have a significant impact on your daily life (read: lowering your mental and physical load). If you’re struggling with this or finding it hard to justify, remember that there are plenty of things you are in charge of, letting go of some of these extras can be liberating and do wonders on your well-being and relationships. Your life is different now, you’ve added a baby to your life, now it’s time to subtract where you can. Check out our article that lists 20 things you could outsource or do to simplify your life, depending on your needs, desires and budget.
Name the feelings.
Everyone has those days when being with baby is TOUGH. They won’t stop crying, won’t eat, won’t go down for their nap and you feel your anxiety, fear and frustration build. Understandably so! We’re taught that babies love routines, but what happens when you follow their routine exactly yet for some unknown reason, they’re bawling uncontrollably? It can bring a slew of emotions for you and your partner. Internal questioning like, “What am I doing wrong? Why are they upset? What’s changed? How can I fix this? Am I not doing this right? Am I bad at being a Mom/Dad?” can creep in. But the truth is, sometimes there’s no way of knowing what’s wrong. Baby’s change constantly and they don’t have the tools to fully communicate yet — except to cry. So, given that there aren’t any major obvious red flags (i.e. a fever), it’s helpful to remember the old ABC’s. All. Babies. Cry. In those moments when you can’t figure it out, you’re alone and/or you’re feeling overwhelmed:
Put the baby down in a safe place (i.e. the bassinet or crib).
Go to another room.
Take a moment to yourself (we call this “pausing.”)
Place one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly.
Take a Falling Out Breath: normal breath in through your nose, pause at the top of the breath, then exhale an even longer breath out of your mouth.
Ask yourself, “What’s happening now?”
Say how you’re feeling OUT LOUD. “I’m scared.” “I’m annoyed!” “I feel worried and confused.”
Notice the physical sensations you feel in your body as you do this “I feel my heart beating”, “My throat feels tight”, “My face is tingling.”
Take a few moments to just be with what you’re feeling, physically and emotionally, mind and body together.
Take another 1-3 Falling Out Breaths: on the inhale, internally say the word “LET” and on the exhale, say the word “GO.”
Once you feel a bit more together, say one positive thing to yourself (think of a cheerleader chant or a mantra), it can be as simple as “I’ve got this.”
Head back into the room to rejoin baby.
By acknowledging and naming the feelings, you honor where you currently are in the moment and allow yourself the chance to process your feelings, instead of pretending they’re not there and/or stuffing them down. When we deny feelings or overly-compartmentalize them, this can cause anxiety, sadness, outbursts or even panic in the moment or later on.
Reminder: you are human, it’s OK and normal to have these moments and these feelings. If you’re feeling intensely insecure, anxious, panicky or depressed often, it may be time to reach out to a psychiatrist or psychotherapist for extra support.
Most importantly, take good care of yourself. A yoga mentor once said (in a fabulous British accent): “Happy Mummy = Happy Baby, so if the baby is crying, take a break, make some tea, then go back.” Removing yourself is sometimes best, as the more relaxed and calm you are, chances are, the more relaxed and calm the baby will be.