5 Ways To Stop Negative Self Talk

Sometimes we create stories (aka Negative Self Talk) in our heads to make better sense of things that feel uncertain or unknown. For instance, you and your partner are looking to buy a new, more expensive home and your partner says, “Maybe it’s time you got out of teaching and into sales.” And instead of asking him what he means by that, or asking how he’s feeling about this, you immediately jump to conclusions. Your mind goes into a tailspin, “he thinks my job is not as valuable as his”, which then turns into “he thinks I am not as valuable as he is”, “he’s judging my career path and thinks it’s less worthy, and essentially that I’m less worthy”, etc.

This is called story-making. And often the stories we tell are not the pretty kind that we interpret to mean that we’re incredibly loved and validated. On the contrary, we typically catastrophize. We think the worst. We envision the worst. And in doing so, we end up feeling, well, like the worst.

What to do in these scenarios?

·      Take a Break.

First, if you’re feeling heated, take a physical break (what we call a “pause”) and if possible, leave the situation, the person, the environment. In doing this, you give yourself a moment to process your feelings, think more clearly and give yourself the chance to think and feel this through. This time/space, which can be a luxury at times, can help you respond to the situation, rather than impulsively react.

·      What was said?

Second, stop and ask yourself if you heard what the other person truly said. Can you recall the words, without adding emphasis or extra verbiage? Without analyzing it deeper, what did they actually say? Again, this is not what your mind is interpreting the words to mean, but sticking to what actual words were said. Try to be very factual and objective here. Not easy! But, it can be done.

·      What’s the evidence?

Then, ask yourself, “is there any evidence that supports my story?” Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. Then ask, “is there any evidence that does not support my story?” There may be evidence that suggests that your story is possibly off-base. Regardless, if you do come up with evidence that supports or negates your story, it needs to be concrete evidence that would hold up in a court of law. This means, it can’t be evidence that starts with “I feel like they mean this” or “I felt hurt so they must have meant to hurt me”. Feelings are not evidence, they are emotional responses to thoughts and stimuli. So, just because we feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true. What is the actual evidence here?

·      Pick your battles.

Next, ask yourself, is this worth exploring further or should I just let this go? I’m a firm believer in picking battles wisely, as there can be many struggles we encounter in life, so why not choose which ones are worth our energy and which are not? For example, if the situation is that my husband didn’t replace the toilet paper and my internal story is: “he doesn’t see that this is just one more thing to add to my list of to-dos, he must not value my time”, I can stop and ask myself if there’s REAL evidence that supports that notion, or am I just feeling annoyed that he forgot to replace the toilet paper? If it’s a one time or sporadic thing without real evidence, maybe I just let this one go. If this is recurring theme that’s become problematic, than perhaps I address this as a significant issue that holds deeper meaning for me.

·      Clarify.

Lastly, if you decide it’s worth addressing, start by giving and getting clarification. Share how you feel with your partner and how you interpreted the situation. Use “I” language to own how you feel about things, for instance, “I felt hurt and attacked”, as opposed to “You hurt and attacked me”. Then follow up with space for them to express how they feel. Help this process by asking open ended questions. For instance, you can ask “how do you feel about buying this new home?”, or “I get the sense you feel alone with this financially, is that what’s happening?”, or “I feel invalidated by what you just said, and I have a feeling you didn’t mean to do that. What are you really trying to say to me about this? What do you really want me to know?”

I often tell clients the best way to find something out is to ask instead of assume. So, next time you start to create a story in your mind, stop, and notice. Am I mindreading? Catastrophizing? Filling in the blanks? Maybe I need to reality check, look for evidence, decide if this is worth exploring further, and then find clarity through talking. Give it a try and let us know how it goes!